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Regrets And Guilt
By Peace | September 24, 2007
Life is like walking along a path at times you will be offer a key or two. Accepting the key(s), you have to face the consequences of your action. You cannot see what is behind the door. Only when you open it, in it, can you see the real thing, real experience. The person who offer you the key can say so many nice words, offer so many fine things, but it is your discretion to believe them. To gain, you have to risk. For not able to say “NO”, you have to face the consequences too. Which door am I going to open next? I had just accepted another key.
Life is no bed or roses. My life is just so ordinary. I am not acting, it is not a show. I write what is true and real. It would be nice to dream of sleeping among roses, having rose petals shower and lying on a soft bed made of down feathers. However, dreams are still dreams. We have dreams when we sleep too. Dreams will disappear when you wake up. Dreams will still be dreams, merely imagination, if you do not have actions to fulfill what you want and dream. I had dreams. My dreams seem so far away. I do not want to dream anymore. What I am leading day by day is trying to fulfill all my responsibilities that I had, too much responsibilities.
No one will believe or can imagine the kind of life I am going through. What you see is just the facade of a building. I hate to be a hypocrites and I treat life seriously. Love, friendship, relationship, everything are all important to me. I alone cannot make a happy family. However, my decision alone, can affect my family. Similarly, what he does will affect the family.
I am feeling very guilty. For not souring relationships, for being ‘friendly’, and for being not able to learn to say “NO”, I had brought my family health problems, inconvenience and perhaps less care and attention. For accepting another task, tuition, which was supposed to be twice weekly, it had got into a seemingly daily affair. Germs were passed from children to children and even to adults. Working with families or relations are more hectic than any strangers. This is the hardest tuition tasks I had undertaken. Hardest not in terms of teaching, but in terms of stress and ‘workload’. For the little amount which turns into a almost daily kind of affair, Richard had said that I am going to turn my place into a childcare centre. Well, I am fine if it was just for one month. My own children are having exams too. I am so busy and stressful as well. You have your own life, your own career, your own children, and you want your children to do well, so am I. But I know what I had done for my children and I know where my children stand. But still, I had my own life, my job is to give you two times a week tuition and if this two days tuition, you want long hours, I am fine, but not always, and it is not what I owe you. You want fast progress for your child but what about my own children and my own work? My house is like a sty(a term which what the WOMAN had said about my home when he brought her home, during my absence. It will always be a sore in my heart.) and my children’s going to be neglected when I had to find back my own time to accomplish all my other tasks. One thing affects another. I am merely giving you extra if you make it this way. But if it is always like that, I am not going to continue anymore. I do not want to neglect my other commitments and responsibilities I have. Pissed and not peace when people just go overboard and do not think of other people, but for their own good.
Last night I again accepted another month of tuition for Valerie. As agreed, it would be twice a week. For 1.5hrs, I had always extended the tuition, sometimes to more than 2 hrs. However, it seems that tuition time is like everyday 2pm to at least 6pm. Yesterday, Ricsson got sore eyes. For a few days since last week, I had been self-medicating for him. Oral Examination is today and he had missed yesterday’s school. I brought Ricsson to see doctor at 230pm. Tuition was delayed, started at 3pm. Tuition supposed to end at 4.30pm, but Valerie is very weak in her Mathematics. I had to finish up what I planned to teach her. In the end I finish everything about five plus. Then I left her alone to practice some Mathematics questions while waiting for their parents to come to fetch her. When asked, she told me,”My mother said that today you bring Ricsson go see doctor, tuition starts late, so must make up one hour. Seven o’clock then can go home.” Can you see what I mean when I say it is like I owe them?
I am full of grievance. At seven when the parents came, they gave me the money for next month tuition. I had regretted. I wonder how much they would honour what they said given the first month experience. And again last night I had savoured it. Their maid will be going back to Indonesia for holidays. For two weeks they will not have any maid. For two weeks, the mother need to work from home. But she want me to teach Vanessa as well. Examination is next week and she wanted me to teach her. Well, the same old story. I am not running a charity centre nor childcare centre. You want to have more time, you want your children to excel, and you push everything to me. If this is going to be like that, I am going to say NO to future tuition. I must learn to say “NO”. It is not a matter of only Money. It is time and family. I need to think of my family, my children too. I really feel so bad, so sorry for my children, if the coming weeks are going to be like that again. It is not a matter of endurance anymore. I must weigh everything. I cannot let a little decision like that to create a major effect on my family.
Topics: Family, Personal, health |
